Heavy heart

Who hasn't said this presidential campaign's made them tired or even stressed? There are some passionate candidate supporters out there, so it's no wonder. But it's more than that for me; this election season (or is it decade?) has made me sad.

There is something exciting and attractive about the idea of getting gung-ho for a horse in the race. There's a spark, an invigoration that comes with pulling for one side and cheering your little heart out for someone you believe in. Unfortunately, I lack said spark, invigoration and pom-poms. Part of it comes from not being as political as I was when I was younger, and part of it comes from not being enamored with the options at hand.

Over the past month or so I've grown literally sad as I channelsurfed to cable news networks, read magazine covers and sifted through politically-charged e-mails among my family -- sad because of the conflict, derision and downright nastiness. The sadness has even brought me to tears at times.

For whom should I vote? Should I vote? Sometimes I really like what he has to say. Sometimes I don't think there's much to his platform. Sometimes I think he's really earned this. Sometimes I think there's something to all this his hype. Sometimes I think I can sacrifice some important issues to me for others. Sometimes I think there's no room for me to compromise.

The stress began to take its toll. I ate more and breathed less. I struggled to find the real root of it all. I'm not sure I accomplished that, but I came close. See this year, my family is divided politically and I don't remember the last time that happened. It's put me in a mental and emotional tailspin. Not because I poll my family before casting a vote, but because there used to be more idealogical unity. And like some kind of decoder toy from a cereal box, this election has revealed yet another way my family has changed and moved further apart -- like the tektonic plates shifting.

So I hope people don't think I'm un-American for not wanting to vote at all (though I think I finally found the will to). It has more to do with family ties and less to do with citizenship. I've been to loyal to each my whole life, and this is the first time they've gotten all jumbled up together. Should I be able to separate them in my mind? Probably. So pray that I can. As I'm praying that blood is thicker than ink on a scantron sheet.